unplugged…
“Waiting to be connected to the universe.”
I become a schizophrenic bore
when I combat in the corporate rat race…
Love is my kingdom,
I am done competing.
The worth of my find is self-evident,
as my soul awakens on this enlightened path.
I wrote this while working my way through the inspired workbook, Zen and the Art of Making a Living, written by Lawrence Boldt. I was living in Los Angeles at the time and working at Paramount Pictures; I moved down there with the intent of directing movies, good movies. Didn’t accomplish that dream, but it was an amazing and creative time. I started writing and taking a photography class; I truly enjoyed my time in that city, it’s such an inspiring environment.
I remember enjoying meeting new people and finding out what their passions were, as that is what LA is all about, passion! For me, it was a time best described as “unplugged”… an electrical cord wafting in the breeze, waiting to be connected to the universe – yep, that was me! Funny though, now that I’ve been plugged in for so long… I sometimes yearn for those ‘acoustic’ days. I felt I had the true vision for how best to inhabit this planet, and it went like this:
People live closer to nature, love becomes the goal to make your life the best, the highest value; community is strong, peace reigns, fun abounds, light-hearted rejoicing.
Vaguely sounds like a party in the woods! Regardless, I soon had a revelation, and I divined that FAMILY is the real purpose to living; community and love could both be found in family, and then would follow contentedness and peace. This was the moment that I finally came to want to start a family, to share the love that I knew would blossom on that path.
Family is the extension of what Wayne Dyer refers to in his quote:
We are because we belong.
In the movie, “I Am”, Tom Shadyac likewise claims:
The truth of who we are is that we are because we belong… the basis of nature is cooperation and democracy – it's in our DNA.
I left Los Angeles in 1995, I had two options; to head to NYU for my masters in Interdisciplinary Studies or return to San Francisco where I felt I could mature into my destiny of wife and mother. I actually knew that my future hubby was now ready to meet me too… I felt that if I did not accept my fate, I would lose my one love forever!
I know from whom I run,
from myself!
I cannot hide or make fun.
It is time to decide my fate,
No fear,
I now choose to create.
Fast-forward to my 30-year reunion one year later, just before I officially returned to Northern California… where I started dating and fell in love with my husband. For the record, nothing was forced or fabricated; we fell head over heels, best friends forever, want to jump your bones, all rolled into one kind-of-love. Pretty amazing, then and in hindsight!!
Three years after marriage, we started creating our two beautiful kids; that was when life changed forever. I can still remember the first moment I held my baby girl and the small, ever-so-quiet panic that swept over me… I was responsible for another human being. I could raise a dog, but could I handle the responsibility of a human? Will I be a good parent? Was I crazy for thinking I could do this? Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Luckily, I did remain calm, and life did move along; but I changed a little bit every day. I stopped searching for meaning in life, stopped writing eventually, and stopped caring for anything other than the well-being of my family.
Fast forward again, to now, where I am still busy raising my kids, but teenagers have a knack for pushing their parents away; providing the well-deserved time and energy for other endeavors… and I am reborn. Actually, I credit my battle with ovarian cancer for my rebirth, but the timing is the same and I am so grateful for this new adventure. Putting effort into a project provides me a daily dose of joy; I truly do not have a plan for where these efforts are leading me. I just feel pure satisfaction posting my blogs & that’s enough for now!