peace immediately follows…
“PEACE IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWS THE GIVING UP OF EXPECTATIONS.”
The Bhagavad Gita
Soon after one hears their diagnosis, it’s as if a wave rolls through and puts all your senses into tumble-mode, under water looking for the sunlight to swim to. Then at some tortured moment, when I reach the surface to gasp a full breath of fresh air… that’s when I know I have a plan of attack, and I can breathe free again. I think some people drown in that turbulence, it can be suffocating. But hope is the light, not just hope, an active plan of attack one can get behind with confidence.
Darkness will give way to light,
and light will remind us that darkness isn’t its opposite,
but rather its complement in this fragile journey of being.
-Anima Mundi
And this goes for any disease that is life-threatening and/or chronic. Sometimes I can find the reasons why it was my fault and then I pull back (hopefully sooner than later) and realize it happened TO me, not because of me.
Because I had a different insurance company than my previous battles, I was on my own to find doctors and the latest and greatest approaches. Luckily, I had a willing nurse team behind me in Truckee. The choices I was looking at and the decisions I was making were mine this time, and the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.
Once those choices had been made however, I immediately felt the need to regain my footing and focus on what is truly important. Try to enjoy life as I go through this; try to not disappear too far into nothing. Use my practice and stay afloat… because boy does it work!!
It’s eight days after my first injection and I feel reality sinking back into view as I peel myself off the floor, slowly, methodically and less enthusiastically as each day passes. Was able to wander the forest a bit, and felt such a release of fear and anxiety; nature and mindfulness are definitely the path forward.
Allow things to flow through me, and stop the push back; trust in the now of it all. Because if there is anything these battles bring to focus, is the NOW, and how it has been auto-correcting my life. This round is definitely going smoothly at the half-way point, and I have faith in the plan.
Interesting journey this third time, physically easier, emotionally easier once the plan was in motion. Spiritually strong this time, and I think that is why I am doing well; there is a strength and a familiarity with all that is happening to me. My practice (yoga, walking, meditation, steam showers and more) gets me up and out of potholes, and I use herbs, oils, crystals and tarot to bolster, focus and heal.
I have been able to clear some old stories, and hope to keep opening up to me. I like this side of life enough to keep going, but it hasn’t been easy:
1st battle I surrendered to everything
2nd battle I fought everything
3rd battle I allow wisdom & intuition to guide
I’m sure there will be a darker addendum to this post, as I am half-way through my chemo infusions, and my body tends to lose its resilience on the 4th and 5th installments. But this year, I have Thanksgiving following #4 and Christmas following #5… kids, puppy, holidays, songs and hallmark cheer are all good medicine.
So, one more battle… third time is the charm!