feeling life…

“I can sometimes walk in a room and be completely flattened by the energy.”

I thought it would be fun to get my personal numerology done, so I paid an online service to provide my analysis… it’s a fun little book to read and I honestly felt as though I learned a little about myself because I really connected with some of the descriptions. Although there were many fun characteristics I could share, the one in particular I want to explore here is the overly sensitive trait; the idea that I am too aware of other people’s expectations and then suppress my own desires in order to avoid feeling conspicuous. This hypersensitivity can cause fear and a lack of self-confidence, often leaving me feeling paralyzed by my emotional turmoil.

Just amazing how one can go through life feeling a certain way, relating to the core points of your personality and knowing this is your broken wing you’re carrying around… yet doing nothing to fully understand its root until you read just the right passage and find yourself joining a sensitivity group on Facebook. Only then did it hit me… I am different from other people in this area. I am extremely sensitive; I can sometimes walk in a room and feel completely flattened by the energy – actually scared to talk to some people because they are frightening (not nice) people at their core energy level.

My parents often wondered why I cried so much when I was young, and back then it was just easier than finding words when uncomfortable or feeling sad, just too overwhelming when you feel everything. Now in my forties, I consider myself a fairly accomplished, creative person that has a lot to offer, so it never made much sense to me when I was struck by huge insecurities or fear. Now I can see how these negative aspects of this sensitivity challenge actually spring up (in part) from these equally positive characteristics, especially acute awareness and intuition. I am an antenna for other people’s feelings; I know before a word is spoken how someone feels; we “sensitives” are understanding, compassionate, and have enormous empathy for the inner turmoil of others.

All this is interesting on its own, but my numerology carries it just a bit further into how this “sensitivity challenge” in this life is to maintain my own center rather than conforming to the prevailing emotional atmosphere. Until finally the reading gets to the root of my purpose in life, even more important than all the awkwardness and feelings of being different is this overwhelming sense of having a purpose or a message to reveal that will make other people's lives happier, healthier, and more at peace.

I often feel like a foreigner here on earth and have written about it for over twenty years; here’s one example:

Since birth the world has seemed a place of rules to live by. Someone else’s grand plan has been set into play for us pawns to move around in. What race, class and model we will breathe from – what values, goals and morals we will fight for.

The time has come to accept each other, to be able to free ourselves from the distinctions that continue to divide us. I am fighting the attitude that sends us off to war in majestic prowess, that denies aid to the truly needy and that keeps our focus on financial success. We need to love, care and devote ourselves to our world.

We are all in this together! Don’t keep the blinders on in fear and anger, we can cure the world with focused effort and delight.

The time has come for us to reject the violence… it does not help and is purely destructive. Take control of our society; compare it to a person, the world is a living being: earth is the body, countries are its characteristics, natural forces are its soul. The planet and its inhabitants need to be nurtured in order to survive

Remember what it was like to be a child… enjoying the simple things, curious amazement, feelings of freedom and safety. Now smile openly and rid yourself of the negativity. Why fight nature? Why fight each other? It makes no sense!

I am not speaking from any fancy, store-bought soapbox; I am speaking from my heart. You cannot debate my request, my foundation is unshakable. You cannot destroy this fantasy, for it is reality!

This year’s commitment to finding my true north is all about finding and ultimately maintaining my center as I heal from my cancer battle and move forward in my new life. This new beautiful life that I am committed to sharing with whomever will listen/read/share/care is one I hope will help others to see their light. Gabriel Bernstein often mentions how ultimately in life “one teaches what one must learn most in this life,” and this seems eminently clear in my situation. Finding and maintaining my center is key to being vulnerable; I know my soft-underbelly is always present, I now honor it and use my toolbox of tricks when needed (yoga, meditation, music, walking, loving my family, laughing with good friends). In a nutshell…. LOVING BY NATURE!

As a last bit, I wanted to share something from Shatki Gawain’s book, Living in the Light.

There are no such things as ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ feelings – we make them negative or positive by our rejection or acceptance of them… all feelings are part of the wonderful, ever-changing sensation of being alive.

She continues by defining some emotions that people seem to be most afraid of, with a suggestion of one way you might handle them:

FEAR                    

It’s important to acknowledge and accept your fears…if you accept  yourself for feeling afraid, and don’t try too hard to push past your fears, you will start to feel more secure. Take risks when ready but don’t force it.

SADNESS             

Related to the opening of your heart… allowing yourself to feel sad, especially crying, your heart will open further and you can feel love. Reach out for comfort and support from someone who accepts you to just be for now.

GRIEF                  

An intense form of sadness, related to death or ending of something… our way of releasing the old so we can open to the new. Very important not to cut this process short; it comes in waves and gradually disappears. It’s necessary to accept it and give yourself support whenever it comes up.

HURT                   

An expression of vulnerability that we tend to mask with defensiveness and blame. Important to express feelings of hurt directly and in a non-blaming way (i.e. I felt really hurt when you didn’t ask me to go with you.)

HOPELESSNESS 

This can be the result of not trusting ourselves or taking proper care of ourselves; we may need to be more true to ourselves and more assertive. Hopelessness can also be a stage we go through when we are letting go of our old patterns of control and learning to surrender to our higher power.

ANGER                

When we disown our true power and allow others to have undue power over us. If we start to get in touch with our power, the first thing we feel is the stored-up anger; find a safe place to allow yourself to feel &/or fully express it – whether alone or with a therapist… rant, kick, scream & throw pillows. If you are a person who has felt and expressed a lot of anger in your life, you need to look for the hurt that is underneath it and express that. Do not use anger as a defense mechanism to avoid being vulnerable. An important key in transforming anger into an acceptance of your power is learning to assert yourself.

We are all feeling beings and the key to maintaining center while riding out our emotional storms is by separating what we’re thinking from what we’re feeling… then embrace our soft under-belly and enjoy “this electric thing called life.”