been wondering…
“The kind of pondering that starts out in modest dissolution and winds up shaking your whole being if you’re not resolute in your goals. ”
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, the kind of pondering that starts out in modest dissolution and winds up shaking your whole being if you’re not resolute in your goals. I have truly been questioning my motives over my new-found spirituality this past year. Seems I found strength in the words of Wayne Dyer and the quantum physics paradigm; the kind of pondering that starts out in modest dissolution and winds up shaking your whole being if you’re not resolute in your goals.
This is not to say that I lacked an intuitive nature or never danced in the moonlight before last year, it’s just I had let that side of me go unnoticed while the details of motherhood swooped in and coated my life in fear and business. I like to call that my ‘shellackered’ time; I still remember the moment I stepped away from my values, from health, from caring and I became focused on just getting through the end of the day with my sanity intact! When the dot.com bubble burst, we made some big changes, bought our business, moved back from the mountains and into our San Francisco home. Buying a business is expensive and we had to cut some serious corners and went into six-figure debt. Then the economy tanked and we had to cut-back our expenditures even further and I had to work longer hours.
I’m not going to complain about my situation, but I do see how I made the wrong short-cuts and never should’ve stopped shopping at Whole Foods Market and should’ve found organic produce for the dirty-dozen at least. Hindsight being what it is, I will always wonder if my cancer would’ve been there had I taken better care of myself? Proud to say that I now practice a healthy life-style, and I am a happier person because of this intentional work on a daily basis.
For the first time since having kids, almost 15 years ago, I have the opportunity to do what I would like for at least 2 hours of every day. That’s AWESOME and exciting, and I am thankful to my husband for not giving me grief for not going into work anymore. I could get massages every month, a facial, lunches, whatever I wanted with this newfound time… yet, what do I choose to do instead? I choose to explore the culinary arts, create my website (TahoeBoho.com) and blog. I spend a lot of time on these projects and I love every minute of it; after working over twenty years at the same job, I am overdue for a little more creativity in my work day.
All this said, I still wonder what I am doing, even with all the beautiful days I have created. I feel the stress when I don’t feel ‘on track’ with my writing; I honestly don’t see much progress in my writing talents and I really don’t understand why I am writing. So, why don’t I stop? Because I made a one-year commitment to this project… even created a commitment necklace (choker) I wear every day until it snaps off my neck. I am grateful for that commitment I made back in September of 2015; I know I would’ve stopped this project had I not promised myself to ‘remain calm and carry on.’
So, when stuck… keep digging! Which is what I have done, I am looking back at some of the projects I started long ago to see what I can extract, because my flow needs some mojo. What I found is quite a full essay trying to answer exactly what I have been searching for this past month.
To seek one’s passion in life sets the wheels in motion for pursuit of the intangible, and for most… the challenge to satiate their soul’s deepest desires. Life’s gifts unfold as slowly or as completely as one perpetuates their own personal design; the pride and devotion that come from this path will one day become an adornment of sorts.
What naturally follows is a very basic question… without creation, where would we be? Regardless of religion, race, class or gender, we have all found ourselves in awe of this gift of life we are each destined to experience individually. Try as we may, we have yet to define our existence, and even more curious, what came before and what lies ahead? Even our most celebrated thinkers have found only one agreeable truth- the answers are debatable.
When my husband and I sit with our kids in our arms, and feel the love and contentment we are so lucky to share, then turn on the evening news to see destruction and hate just outside our door… how can I deny my responsibility for the pain, and the faith that we are worthy of so much more.
Our battles within are so strong, it takes an intense external battle to combat it. And isn’t this what we’ve always been fighting for – to remain ignorant.
This is best exemplified by the current political campaigns led by Donald Trump. He feeds all headlines with his outrageous and unapologetic behavior; there is no room or time to report on any real issues or agendas when Trump is so damn quotable.
Again confronted with my burning desire to extrapolate all I can from my earthly pursuits, I am made aware of the challenge conspicuously placed in my mind, whether by propaganda or politicians -- what game are we playing, what roles do we fulfill, and for whom?
This question seems so interesting as we watch political debates this year and worse, see how divided this nation has become since I wrote this almost ten years ago.
What is tangible for ME is that my grounding force is found in my value of love. This icon of truth, for me, forgives all before us and all that is now; but in my mind, the challenge lies within our future. When we awaken and finally find ourselves responsible for our own creation… it will be the love in our hearts, minds and foremost, our future, that will overwhelm our planet. Until then, I write…
Two days ago, I was me
Two months ago, I was me
Two years ago, I was me
I am proud, strong and passionate.
Two days from now, who will I be
Two months from now, who will I be
Two years from now, who will I be